[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
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Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard