In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
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Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
there’s probably a fee though
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.