I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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i hate you platonically
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Best seat on the street 😍
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.