Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore