If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Does your wife know you’re single?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money