i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
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Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded