Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.