[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
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[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
congratulations to them
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.