Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
why would tinder want me to say this
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I don’t hate children, just yours.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.