Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
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Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Saturday
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”