someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
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[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”