[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
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It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Waiting for the Charmin
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice