MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
They also CAN sing✌️
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste