told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Seas the day!!!!
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
me linking you to my twitter
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!