sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Respect
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.