Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
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*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
The struggle is real.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.