I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
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asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Thursday
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner