10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting