*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
lmao
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it