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My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?