I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader