A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
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My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough