Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
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Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
How dramatic are you?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry