My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
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[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I’m Sold!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”