You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
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Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine