I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?