My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
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Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
me as a parent
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.