I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
One venti cheeseburger please.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco