A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream