How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you