You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
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ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
These aliens are taking forever.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.