I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
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Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
yeet
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.