How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.