Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
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Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
looks legit
Dammit Chief not again
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face