I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
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Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
oh you like architecture? name three walls
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working