My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department