Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
liiiiiiiiike
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?