If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
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“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Lmaoo 😂
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
there has never been a better use of this meme
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!