[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete