People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 馃檮 chill out. You aren鈥檛 a teletubby.
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I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you鈥檙e creative with speed limits
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I鈥檇 have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My kid can鈥檛 remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Matt Goss