“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
@funTweeters
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL