Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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#titanic
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
oh you wanna fight?!
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.