Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
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Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required