The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
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I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.