Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
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People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*