*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
You Might Also Like
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
selfie game
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.