I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
that’s really how it is
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
happy friday
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts