COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
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In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.