📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
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I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months