me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
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I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Yup!
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?